Saturday, 12 July 2014

My Little Angel

This is a post I never wanted to write
Hell, I never even thought I'd write it
If you've been following my blog/twitter/facebook etc you know my beautiful little girl Sisco
She's featured on this blog A LOT!
Especially the whole terrible time she was taken/lost

On Thursday we had to say goodbye to our baby
The night before she was acting strange
She wouldn't lie down and her eyes were quite glazed
We didn't worry too much and thought she was a little poorly
We gave her lots of loves and made sure she had lots of areas to get comfy
Well, lets be honest the whole flat is basically arranged for her
So spoilt
Paul woke up Thursday morning and shouted she was floppy
I don't want to go into too much detail but she was like a rag doll and didn't seem aware of us or her surroundings
I can't go over all the details as it's still too raw, but after visits to 2 vets we had to go to a specialist neurological animal hospital outside London
We were warned she may not survive the taxi ride
But we had to try
I'd been suffering a migraine the day before and obviously the stress had made it so much worse
I suffer from car sickness so the hour ride there I could hardly move from the pain and sickness
Paul kept seeing if she was ok, but I didn't and I feel awful for that
As soon as we got there I had to run to the toilet to be sick, when I came out they'd taken her 
It was awful
She was fine the day before! It was so hard to understand
We had to relay the story of what happened and go over her history 
Although I was aware of the situation I really thought we'd be taking her home
I thought maybe it was epilepsy and she'd had a turn and it could be controlled by medication
When the doctor came through that all changed
She was very unemotional and 'matter of fact'
But I suppose you would be if you did that job
She told us she thought it could be a tumour or cancer in her brain and that things were looking very bad
What? I didn't get it
My little girl was 100% herself 24 hours ago!
She was my bossy, noisy little Sisco
Things were moving too fast to process
We were given the option of saying goodbye to her now of having an MRI
We couldn't give up!
She had to be anaesthetised and she may not even survive that
We have to make a lot of hard decisions and were told basically that time wasn't on our side
The next few hours were pure hell
The hospital was full of happy owners picking up their furr babies
I so desperately wanted to be one of those people
Our hearts hurt and our eyes ached from crying so much
Paul was amazing and was so strong for me and I love him so much for that
Sisco was a total papi's girl and had him under the thumb
I wanted to take his pain away so badly

Fast forward a few hours and after a broken MRI machine just before she was scanned (what are the odds)
We were called into a room
She had a mass on/in her brain that was stopping the spinal fluid flowing
We were told she wasn't in pain, in-fact she wasn't even really there
She also had something in her nose area
My brave baby
How would we have known?
There were never any signs
In my head I was still clutching at straws and asked about surgery 
It was pretty clear that wasn't even an option
The doctors beeper went and she called intensive care and was told Sisco was deteriorating fast
There was only one option
She was attached to machines and she was in an incubator
She looked so small
God, this hurts to write
We had to sign to say we authorised what was going to happen
We kissed her and told her we loved her and my baby went
It all happened so fast but also seemed to last forever

These last few days have been the hardest thing we've ever had to go through
I didn't even want to come back home
The flat is full of her
She was the most unique and vocal cat I've ever know
You aways knew she was there
We've just been crying and watching old videos of her
Which have made us laugh, then cry even harder
We both had our little routines with her
She was in charge

Many people may think 'Oh, it's just a cat'
She was never 'just a cat'
She was our baby
Paul and I have been together 13 years, but I always say when we got her we went from a couple to a family

The last few months since we've moved she's been an indoor cat and I am so happy she was
Even though what happened was totally awful and tragic we were with her
She wasn't outside on her own

I don't know how I'll cope to be honest 
A huge void has been left in my life and I feel like I'm missing a part of my heart
Everything reminds me of her

We left the flat to get some flowers for her yesterday and put them next to her catnip plant
Which she'd only eat when we weren't looking or if we picked the leaves and fed them to her
Diva!
I guess all we can do it cope and carry on
We're going to fill a scrap book full of photos of her and our memories
The last 2 days have been a blur
What happened was so sudden and so tragic
I miss kissing her and booping her little nose so much
My heart is broken
This is the last photo I took of her a few days ago
She loved bags
Sisco, you're always in my heart and I'll never forget you
x

11 comments:

  1. This post is so sad. It made me cry! I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved sisco. Thinking of you.xxx

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  2. Awww I'm so sorry to hear that :( sending lots of love your way!

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  3. Claire & Paul

    We are so sorry.

    Sisco was very lucky to have had such a lovely home with 2 loving parents who spoilt her.
    We believe Sisco is with her Great Grandma Pat, who will take care of her for you.

    We love you both. Be strong.

    Mum & Sister Lisa x x x x x

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  4. I'm so, so sorry for your loss!
    It is never 'just a cat'. They are part of the family, they are like your children (even for people like myself with a human child, my kitties are absolutely my kids too!). It is a loss that can't be replaced.
    I hope you find some peace and smiles in putting together the scrapbooks, even through the pain of loss and memories. Take care!

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss. She was such a loved and valued member of your family. My thoughts are with you.

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  6. Oh Claire I read this post out loud to my husband and could barely get through it for the tears. Words cannot express how sorry I am for you and Paul but you were both with her and did everything you could. I have come to know you and Sisco these past couple of years and always looked forward to seeing what she would do next. I feel such a loss and I know how hard it is for both of you having lost many cats over the years myself. My heart is with you both but just remember Sisco will always be there and all of your lives were richer for having each other in them.

    love
    Sue

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  7. I am so sorry, Claire. My heart is breaking for you and Paul. :( Sending so so so many hugs your way. Rest in peace, dear Sisco. <3

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  8. Brave little Sisco, I'm so sorry this happened...I don't even know what to say, my heart is broken for you and Paul :(
    Endless hugs for you guys xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox <3

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  9. Oh oh oh Claire, I am so sad for you and Paul. I know truly how it feels as I lost my Moggy inDecemberand it still huts, and we still talk about Moggy even though we are in anew home. It's raw for you and it will hurt lots, esp all the reminders that you have of beautiful Sisco. Your blog is a tribute to her.

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Thank you for your comments!