My Little Angel

This is a post I never wanted to write

Hell, I never even thought I'd write it

If you've been following my blog/twitter/facebook etc you know my beautiful little girl Sisco

She's featured on this blog A LOT!

Especially the whole terrible time she was taken/lost

On Thursday we had to say goodbye to our baby

The night before she was acting strange

She wouldn't lie down and her eyes were quite glazed

We didn't worry too much and thought she was a little poorly

We gave her lots of loves and made sure she had lots of areas to get comfy

Well, lets be honest the whole flat is basically arranged for her

So spoilt

Paul woke up Thursday morning and shouted she was floppy

I don't want to go into too much detail but she was like a rag doll and didn't seem aware of us or her surroundings

I can't go over all the details as it's still too raw, but after visits to 2 vets we had to go to a specialist neurological animal hospital outside London

We were warned she may not survive the taxi ride

But we had to try

I'd been suffering a migraine the day before and obviously the stress had made it so much worse

I suffer from car sickness so the hour ride there I could hardly move from the pain and sickness

Paul kept seeing if she was ok, but I didn't and I feel awful for that

As soon as we got there I had to run to the toilet to be sick, when I came out they'd taken her 

It was awful

She was fine the day before! It was so hard to understand

We had to relay the story of what happened and go over her history 

Although I was aware of the situation I really thought we'd be taking her home

I thought maybe it was epilepsy and she'd had a turn and it could be controlled by medication

When the doctor came through that all changed

She was very unemotional and 'matter of fact'

But I suppose you would be if you did that job

She told us she thought it could be a tumour or cancer in her brain and that things were looking very bad

What? I didn't get it

My little girl was 100% herself 24 hours ago!

She was my bossy, noisy little Sisco

Things were moving too fast to process

We were given the option of saying goodbye to her now of having an MRI

We couldn't give up!

She had to be anaesthetised and she may not even survive that

We have to make a lot of hard decisions and were told basically that time wasn't on our side

The next few hours were pure hell

The hospital was full of happy owners picking up their furr babies

I so desperately wanted to be one of those people

Our hearts hurt and our eyes ached from crying so much

Paul was amazing and was so strong for me and I love him so much for that

Sisco was a total papi's girl and had him under the thumb

I wanted to take his pain away so badly

Fast forward a few hours and after a broken MRI machine just before she was scanned (what are the odds)

We were called into a room

She had a mass on/in her brain that was stopping the spinal fluid flowing

We were told she wasn't in pain, in-fact she wasn't even really there

She also had something in her nose area

My brave baby

How would we have known?

There were never any signs

In my head I was still clutching at straws and asked about surgery 

It was pretty clear that wasn't even an option

The doctors beeper went and she called intensive care and was told Sisco was deteriorating fast

There was only one option

She was attached to machines and she was in an incubator
She looked so small

God, this hurts to write

We had to sign to say we authorised what was going to happen

We kissed her and told her we loved her and my baby went

It all happened so fast but also seemed to last forever

These last few days have been the hardest thing we've ever had to go through

I didn't even want to come back home

The flat is full of her

She was the most unique and vocal cat I've ever know

You aways knew she was there

We've just been crying and watching old videos of her

Which have made us laugh, then cry even harder

We both had our little routines with her

She was in charge

Many people may think 'Oh, it's just a cat'

She was never 'just a cat'

She was our baby

Paul and I have been together 13 years, but I always say when we got her we went from a couple to a family

The last few months since we've moved she's been an indoor cat and I am so happy she was

Even though what happened was totally awful and tragic we were with her

She wasn't outside on her own

I don't know how I'll cope to be honest 

A huge void has been left in my life and I feel like I'm missing a part of my heart

Everything reminds me of her

We left the flat to get some flowers for her yesterday and put them next to her catnip plant

Which she'd only eat when we weren't looking or if we picked the leaves and fed them to her

Diva!

I guess all we can do it cope and carry on

We're going to fill a scrap book full of photos of her and our memories

The last 2 days have been a blur

What happened was so sudden and so tragic

I miss kissing her and booping her little nose so much

My heart is broken

This is the last photo I took of her a few days ago

She loved bags

Sisco, you're always in my heart and I'll never forget you

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